Devero is acting like this is all no big deal, just another night. And maybe it is for him. But for Sebastian, this night is pivotal. A hammer breaking the surface of a placid lake. A significant choice that could change everything for him if anyone ever found out, even years from now. He can't help but feel disgusted with himself, despite the fact that it was all consensual and he doesn't regret a thing. Dread encroaches on him from more than one direction: from past acts he feels guilty about, and from the spectre of Atlas, condemning him as someone filthy and depraved. He'd be stripped of his military rank for this, probably thrown under Arsil's Eye. Maybe worse. He can't imagine how anyone would find out, but the fear looms all the same, and with it, shame and guilt.
By the time Dev returns, Sebastian is withdrawn, frowning slightly and staring at the floor, rubbing his palms against his thighs.
He's so damn sweet and lovely as he crouches, signs to ask how he is, looks up at him with an open smile. His kindness makes tears prick at Seb's eyes.
Dev doesn't know a damn thing. And how could he possibly explain?
Oh, he is not fine. Not with that shine in his eyes, not the way he's drawn in on himself. As attuned to body language nuance as Devero is, there's no way he misses that.
He covers Seb's hands with his own for a moment, stilling them, then takes them back to ask, "What do you need right now, Seb? First crack at the shower? A couple minutes to yourself?"
"I need to get clean," he says as his lungs give way, his head falling as tears drip down to his cheeks.
"I'm sorry." He wipes his tears away quickly with the back of his hand. He shouldn't be showing this sort of weakness, and he doesn't want Devero to feel like he's done something wrong, because it's not his fault.
"Copy that," Devero says, and then as long as Seb doesn't resist, he'll scoop him up off the bed and carry him right into the bathroom. Not because he thinks Seb can't walk himself in there, but because acts of service are his love language.
He doesn't resist, wrapping arms around Dev's neck and leaning limply against him. He's hasn't been carried since he was very small, except to be taken in for punishments if he wouldn't walk there willingly. It's a strange feeling, for someone who prides himself on being strong, physically and emotionally. A shaky sob or two escapes him while he's held to Dev's chest, but he tries to keep himself together.
Oh, Seb... Devero can't hear him, of course, but he can feel the way he trembles in his arms, and his heart goes out to him. His plan had been to set him down in the bathroom and give him some privacy, but Devero finds himself hooking aside the curtain with an elbow and stepping straight into the shower with him. Only then does he move to let Seb down out of his arms.
"Can I give you a hand cleaning up?" he asks, signing around and against the smaller man as the water pelts against them. "Or do you want to take it from here?"
Getting his feet under him, he keeps his hands on Dev's chest.
He's not sure what would be better. He has conflicting feelings; part of him thinks he does not deserve this sweetness, and indulging in it further is not only selfish but fails to show remorse for his sin. On the other hand, Devero is kind and soft and he wants that. He needs that; he always has, and it has never been granted to him. Can't he just have something sweet and nice, just one time?
"You can," he concedes. He closes his eyes, leaning into the warm water.
Bending his head, Devero’s presses his lips to the crown of Seb's head. "Thank you," he says.
Leaning out of the shower, he gropes around until he snags a washcloth. He finds the soap and lathers it up, then brings it to Seb's skin. He starts with his chest, scrubbing away spend and sweat with gentle circles.
After the kiss, he tips his head back, trying to breathe as he wets his hair. He feels Devero start to wash his chest, and for some reason, the sweet attention makes more tears leak down his cheeks. He keeps himself quiet, despite knowing Dev can't hear him anyway. It's a reflex. He hides the tears, too, washes them away with the spray of the shower. Crying is foolish and pathetic, no matter how much it hurts, how the gentle touches make the gaping wound ache even more, even as parts of it are soothed and healed.
He shouldn't cry, but he knows Devero will not punish him for it.
He pulls his face out of the water and wipes it from his eyes, the tears with it. He runs his hands through his hair and blinks to look at Devero. Seb's gaze is soft, adoring and sad, and his hand clasps the side of Dev's neck gently, petting at the hair that partly covers it.
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cw extreme homophobia, again
Date: 2026-01-29 02:38 am (UTC)From:By the time Dev returns, Sebastian is withdrawn, frowning slightly and staring at the floor, rubbing his palms against his thighs.
He's so damn sweet and lovely as he crouches, signs to ask how he is, looks up at him with an open smile. His kindness makes tears prick at Seb's eyes.
Dev doesn't know a damn thing. And how could he possibly explain?
"I'm... I'm fine," he mumbles unconvincingly.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 02:58 am (UTC)From:He covers Seb's hands with his own for a moment, stilling them, then takes them back to ask, "What do you need right now, Seb? First crack at the shower? A couple minutes to yourself?"
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 03:07 am (UTC)From:"I'm sorry." He wipes his tears away quickly with the back of his hand. He shouldn't be showing this sort of weakness, and he doesn't want Devero to feel like he's done something wrong, because it's not his fault.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 03:14 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 03:26 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 03:39 am (UTC)From:"Can I give you a hand cleaning up?" he asks, signing around and against the smaller man as the water pelts against them. "Or do you want to take it from here?"
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 03:51 am (UTC)From:He's not sure what would be better. He has conflicting feelings; part of him thinks he does not deserve this sweetness, and indulging in it further is not only selfish but fails to show remorse for his sin. On the other hand, Devero is kind and soft and he wants that. He needs that; he always has, and it has never been granted to him. Can't he just have something sweet and nice, just one time?
"You can," he concedes. He closes his eyes, leaning into the warm water.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 04:08 am (UTC)From:Leaning out of the shower, he gropes around until he snags a washcloth. He finds the soap and lathers it up, then brings it to Seb's skin. He starts with his chest, scrubbing away spend and sweat with gentle circles.
no subject
Date: 2026-01-29 04:20 am (UTC)From:He shouldn't cry, but he knows Devero will not punish him for it.
He pulls his face out of the water and wipes it from his eyes, the tears with it. He runs his hands through his hair and blinks to look at Devero. Seb's gaze is soft, adoring and sad, and his hand clasps the side of Dev's neck gently, petting at the hair that partly covers it.